I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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