omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
