Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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