I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
