If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
