I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
