you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
