this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
