if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
