I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
