Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
