I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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