im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize