I just gift wrapped bread.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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