Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
