I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
