the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
