I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
