I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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