If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
