I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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