My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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