I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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