She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
