Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
