You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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