Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
They took my balls.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
