She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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