I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
