I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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