I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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