When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
