I wish I could teleport
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize