So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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