Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
