You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
