I CAN MOONWALK!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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