Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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