who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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