Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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