Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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