At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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