Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
