I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
