Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
