i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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