If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
