Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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