after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
