whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
