New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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