I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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