When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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