i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
