I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
