i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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