I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
