someone threw a dead crab at me
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
